Windows Vista - Performance Issues

The phone rings at Drips Central, a branch of the Goliath Corporation.

Me (answering the phone): Hello? If you're calling to tell me my weekly beer delivery is gonna be late, I am gonna be pissed.

Victim (an actual famous editor of a computer publication: Hello Mike. (Sniff!) I fell off the wagon!

Me: You started drinking again?

Victim: No, I installed Windows Vista.

Me: Man, you would have been a lot better off if you had started drinking again, or even become a drug addict. Of course once Windows Vista hits the street, 12 step Windows Vista programs will probably spring up all over the world.

Victim: It's too late for that! (Sob!) I've already installed it on my home and office PCs (Wail!).

Me: Didn't I already warn you about this? Vista is the spawn of Satan.

Victim: I know, I know, I should have listened!

Me: Well what do you me to do?

Victim: Just tell me the secret to Windows Vista performance. Please! I'm desperate! My entire computing world has turned into total slow motion! I feel like I am swimming in a pool of honey!

Me: Well Windows Vista won't install if your CPU is too slow, so, um, how much RAM do you have in your system?

Victim: (Choke!) One gig.

Me: Man, no wonder Windows Vista is kicking sand in the face of your PC! That's only enough RAM to boot up, not to actually do anything with Vista!

Victim: Well, uh how much more RAM do I need?

Me: For you to get acceptable performance out of Windows Vista, you have to have a minimum of 2 gigs of RAM.

Victim: But, but, that's not what Microsoft says!

Me: If you have to choose between believing what Microsoft says and smoking crack, then smoke crack. At least you will experience a lot more pleasure.

Victim: Well, thanks for the info. Now can I talk to you about Aero?

Me: Nah, it's too early in the day for me to start that gimpy piece of crap. It'll just force me to start drinking immediately. Call back later.

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